Self-Reflections

Becoming a mother is THE most profound, transforming thing I have ever experienced.  Seriously.

I mean for real guys, am I the only one that feels rocked by this?  I mean REALLY rocked.  Or is it that I suddenly stay home and have all this extra time to think about things like this?  Who knows.

So, being 6 weeks into this gig has brought about some serious self-reflection.

Self-Reflection #1.  You don't suddenly lose all your unpleasant personality traits because you became a mother.  In fact...becoming a mother can make you even MORE aware of your shortcomings.
Yeah, I don't know.  I think I thought that I would be endowed with this super human ability to sacrifice everything for the sake of my child.  And I would do it with a smile.  All those tendencies that I once had would POOF, vanish away and I would be a super mom.  You know, practically perfect.  Or at least that's how I pictured it playing out when I was walking around with my basketball sized belly imagining what motherhood would be like.  Well guess what?!?  It doesn't work that way.  I am an incredibly independent person.  Now this trait isn't always bad...it carries a lot of good with it but it also makes me not accept help from others...and makes me well, selfish.  Selfish with my "me time".  I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it so there.  I didn't imagine this trait sticking around when I became a mother.  Don't know why.  I guess I pictured motherhood too idyllic (and I tend to be very realistic)  But it's there and it should go away.  But it won't.  So yeah.

Another trait that I didn't imagine getting in the way?  My lack of touchy feeliness.  I am not a super physically affectionate person.  I don't dish hugs out easily.  Not sure why.  Just don't.  I'm decently affectionate with Jason and that's about it...and well, with Jack now haha.  Now don't get me wrong.  I love LOVE LOOOOOOVE to hold and cuddle my baby.  I mean, way more then I even imagined possible.  I also want to instill a lifestyle of affection and physical portrayals of love into our children.  I think it's important and valuable.  But at the end of the day, when Jack is finally asleep...I'm done.  I have maxed out on being touched.  Yet this is no bueno because well...there's Jason.  Hmmm.  Dilemma.  The sad part is that when Jack is a toddler and becomes more independent I'm totally going to miss this cuddly, constantly wanting to be held time.  Hate how that works.

Self-Reflection #2.  I really REALLY need the Lord in my life.  Like REALLY.  
Alright, this seems kinda duh but seriously...I'm just beginning to fully grasp this.  Let me try to explain.  My life has been filled with moments in time when I felt desperate for the Lord.  Small crisis.  Heart break.  Financial needs, etc.  Moments where you cry out and say, "Father, please have mercy and help me."  The unfortunate part is that these moments pass and then you become self-sustaining once again and go on with life.  I'm constantly trying to live every moment for God and yet...you get caught up with life.  Life gets monotonous and you forget.  You forget about God.  Having a child does something to you though.  Suddenly there is this little human who is completely outside of you.  I have been in awe and have praised the Lord for Jack and have been in tears and at a total loss as to what to do for Jack.  I'm in this constant communion with God because otherwise...being a mom is just plain overwhelming.  Don't even get me started on when he gets older...his salvation, and etc.  Anyways, having Christ at the center of MY life and MY being makes caring for Jack a lot less overwhelming.  It reminds me that I'm not in control...and that's the best place to be.

And there you have it.  A couple of thoughts on this crazy thing called motherhood.  So rewarding, beautiful, so...just right...and yet, well, crazy.  Yeah.  That's a good way to describe it.  :)