New Mama Confessions

I've had a few people ask how the transition has been?  How are we holding up?  You know, going from just Jason and I to the 3 of us.  I usually say, "oh good, we're getting used to it" or something along those lines.  It's an easy answer and seems to satisfy most everyone.  :)

I thought though that maybe I would take the time to be a little more "real".  So to be honest...it hasn't been all fluffy, happy, ooey gooey warm and fuzzy.  We are in LOVE with our sweet little boy but there were some other emotions and feelings that reared their ugly head during the 1st week or so.

The first week post birth was...well, hard.  I cried about 2x's a day while in the hospital.  I was tired, hormonal, and I was tired of being bugged and having them bug Jack.  I didn't like to hear him cry and it just made me cry also.  Then we got home and unfortunately it didn't get better.  Because of the damage sustained during delivery I was pretty much stuck.  I couldn't go anywhere and finding a comfortable position was impossible.  I felt sad, incredibly weepy and just...not myself.  I remember just crying to Jason saying, "I feel like I don't know who I am anymore!?!"  I mean...I'm a MOM!  I've never filled this role before.  I was afraid of it.  I didn't know if I could handle a human being fully and completely dependent on me for life...especially when it felt like I could barely take care of myself.  The schedule of feeding, changing diapers, rocking to sleep, and repeat was wearing on me.  I was EXHAUSTED and sleep deprived and this all contributed to my being so emotionally fragile.

I tried not to but I couldn't help but think back to my pre-baby days and realize that those days of freedom were gone.  Honestly, it made me sad.  What made me even MORE sad was realizing that it's not just Jason and me anymore.  He's my best friend and my favorite person ever.  I began having fears of "What if we grow distant?  What if I begin to prioritize Jack over him?"  Honestly, because I was feeling so down I wanted to just be with Jason, to snuggle up next to him in bed but because of Jack's sleep schedule...ie. being a newborn :) I couldn't do that.  Which made me feel sad all the more.

I must say though that despite all these feelings there was never a sense of disdain or lack of want toward Jack.  Jack was always wanted...and is wanted.  I would look down at his sweet little face and be in awe of what God had made...and given to us.  There was certainly guilt for feeling all the feelings above.  I felt like I didn't deserve such a gift.  That there are people out there who would love to have a sweet baby boy and here I am feeling sorry for myself.

I think in the end it's a matter of identity.  I never realized how much I let my surroundings and routine shape who I view myself as.  "I'm a hard worker.  I'm a coffee drinker.  I'm a person who enjoys getting out and about...running errands.  I love exercise.  I love going out to eat and enjoying my husband."  These are things that make me feel like me.  And then there's the routine.  Routines are crazy things.  I never realized how dependent I was on my routine...and how that routine makes me feel whole.  All of these things were thrown out the window when Jack came.  My routine was replaced with a completely different routine (who are we kidding, there's no routine with a newborn, haha)  The things I like to do and the labels I inadvertently placed on myself were stripped away and a new label was given, "MOM".  A new, very permanent label.  The permanency of this label scared me a bit at first.  It made me feel foreign to myself.  It made me want to have my family and people who know me around because even though I've changed...they haven't.  They are still constant and maybe it will feel like I really exist still...instead of feeling like I'm in this weird out of body state of mind.

But, fortunately, God does not abandon us.  I'll be honest, I'm still adjusting to my new role.  I knew that I wanted to be a mom but I never pined for it like some that I know.  I never felt like I would be made "complete" by becoming a mom.  I've never been baby crazy.  I know some women who have felt like, "Ah yes, this is what God created me to be" upon having children.  I never expected to be that person...to have that feeling.  What I didn't expect though was how deep the love is that we have for baby Jack.  He is half Jason, half me.  The truest expression of our love and God's grace.  And this is beautiful.  I feel a sweet connection with him...like he just "belongs" with us.  And there will be days where I will still look back on the "good ole days"  but there will be so many more good days in the future.

Two weeks into this adventure I'm starting to come around to my new "identity" of mom.  I'm taking on a new, but loose, routine...and it involves baby Jack.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  It's crazy, tiring, and unlike anything I've ever experienced...but it's turning out to be one of the best things I've ever experienced.  I thank God for Jack...and for Jason...our new little family.

Jack Enters the World

Birth Story Time!

Don't you love a good birth story?  Even before I was pregnant I found birth stories totally fascinating...well, you know...as long as they weren't TOO TMI.  :)  So, I will try not to gross you out with the all the gory details.  Are you ready???

Well.  First of all.  I had the goal of having a natural birth...as in no pain meds.  Did that happen?!?
Oh heeeeeeeeeeeck no.  I also had the plan of going into labor naturally...which did not happen either.

I will say though that I went into birth with a slightly open mind...I told Jason that if it looks like labor is going to be some crazy 24 hour ordeal...well, I may reconsider the epidural.  For me it was either...no meds or the epidural.  I wasn't going to play around with the in between drugs.  So, there's a little background on what I was thinking going into birth.

******

So, Monday morning I thought that something wasn't quite right.  I felt like MAYBE my water was leaking.  It seemed like I was overly "wet" on occasion and I woke up with damp underwear.  I called a couple of friends but in the end decided that in fact I couldn't be leaking.  I was thrown off because I would go long bouts of time and be totally dry...then suddenly a little water would come...then nothing.  Never much though.

Tuesday night I wore a pantyliner to bed.  Wednesday morning I woke up and it was pretty full.  Put a new one on, half way filled it, put a new one on and decided to call my OBGYN to see if it's even possible to have that slow of a leak.  I seriously was totally convinced that my water was not broken.  I actually felt dumb going in there and taking up their time...for them to just tell me that I'm probably peeing myself.  What made it worse was that the new pantyliner I put on after the initial 2...completely dry.  They wanted me to come in of course anyways.  Funny thing was that while I was calling my obgyn my friend Autumn was on her way to have coffee with me.  I texted her and asked her if she minded that we make a small detour to my doctor's office.  You know, no big deal.  Just to double check.  She of course obliged.

I walked into the office, apologized before hand when the doctor walked in...said, I'm sorry, it's probably nothing blah blah blah.  Got up on the table, feet in stirrups...and then I felt a decent flow leave my body (still not fully broken though).  To which the doctor says, "Whoa there...I think you are right my dear.  That looks like your water is broken to me."  She tested it with a litmus strip just in case and then said, "Congratulations, you are going to be meeting your baby soon."  Talk about a crazy whirl wind.  At this point it was about 11:00am.  I was having a big fat 0 on contractions.  Nothing at all.  So, she set it up for me to come back that afternoon at 4:30 to be induced...since you know...it had been probably well over 24 hours since I started leaking.  Ooops.  Side note:  Jason mentioned to his coworkers that I was going in to make sure my water hadn't broke...to which they replied, "Oh no, she would know."  I am living proof that it is possible to NOT know that your water is broken.  You can have a small leak that only reveals itself when you move certain ways.  End side note. :)

All the nurses congratulated me as I left the office and I got to tell Autumn that our trip was not in vain.  So...we continued on and got our coffee (of course) and I called Jason and let him in on the news.  I went home, packed a bag for Jason, and finished getting mine together while Jason made final preparations for his sub who was taking over his classes.  I picked Jason up from work, we kinda freaked out together, and off we went to the hospital.

Let me tell you how weird it is to walk in and say, "Hi, I have a 4:30 appointment to have my baby."  Strange for sure.  Anyways, we got in, they hooked me up to the Pitocin and we just waited.  And waited.  And waited.  I was apparently having contractions but I didn't really feel them.  Going in I was about 2 cm dilated and 50 % effaced.  She upped the dosage of Pitocin a few times and still not much happened.  Finally I felt a weird "kick" from the baby...or that's what I thought it was.  It was actually my water breaking completely.  That got things going finally.  I started more active labor and kept at it for about 4 hours...at this point it was midnight.  The pain was ALL in my back.  Jason did a phenomenal job of supporting me and talking me through my contractions.  Incredibly painful...let me tell you.  The nurse decided to check me at after all that...3 cm and 75% effaced.  Lame.  Then she said, "It looks like you will probably have this baby around noon tomorrow."  NOON????  Are you kidding me.  The pain was excruciating...there's no doubt about that.  But I was just plain exhausted at that point.  As was Jason.  The thought of laboring another 10 hours and having to then push the baby out?  Yeah.  Wasn't looking promising.

I kept at it with nothing for a few more contractions and then just gave in.  I was unbelievably tired...and Jason was tired.  I could see it in his face.  Finally, I told him, let's do it.  I want the epidural.  I need sleep so bad.  You could see the relief in his eyes haha.  I think he hated seeing me suffer.  Relief came so fast.  The epidural dude was in my room in 10 minutes.  He administered it and I had a brutal contraction right when he was inserting it into my back.  It took every ounce I had to hold still and suck it up.  Then the tingling in my legs came and then...relief.  Sweet relief.  So weird to be laboring and not feel it.  I told Jason that it just seemed wrong.  That I felt like I was cheating or something.  Jason went to bed and I tried to get some sleep too.  They have to constantly monitor pretty much everything with the epidural...the most annoying being your blood pressure.  Right about the time I would doze off the automatic blood pressure thing would go off...jolting me awake.  Whatever though.  It was better then laboring with no rest at all.

At about 5 am they checked me and I was at 6 cm.  They checked me again at 9am and I was finally fully dilated and ready to start pushing.  Let me just say right now....you can read every book in the world about labor but nothing really prepares you for it.  It is such a surreal, out of body experience.  When they told me I could start pushing Jason's eyes got wide and he started asking me if I could tell he had pit sweat?!?  hahaha.  Um.  Yeah.  Sorry dude.  Apparently he was a little nervous/excited to meet his little boy.  I then started pushing shortly after 9am.  I wasn't feeling contractions the whole time with the epidural but the bearing down pushing contractions...I could feel in my back and at the top of my uterus...which sorta felt like my ribs were breaking.  Lovely.  So I pushed.  And pushed.  My nurse was fantastic, Jason was completely amazing.  They cheered me on and seriously...I felt strong.  Praise the Lord because you know what?  In the end I pushed for just about 3 hours.  Right before baby boy made his appearance the doctor came in and got all ready for the delivery (Am I only one who thought the dr. would be present for the whole pushing process???).  The little dude actually ended up getting a little stuck.  I could sense the tension in their voice regarding him and seriously, those last 5 pushes...I gave it everything I had (which is evidenced by the damage my body sustained).  And by the end I was ex.haus.ted.  I felt him leave my body and the relief of it being over.  They put Jack on me immediately and I was just so overcome with exhaustion and emotion that I just cried.  It makes me teary even now thinking about it.  It was amazing.  He was all slimy and gross and I loved every inch of him.  Jason cut the cord and we drank in our little boy.

The doctor wigged when she pulled him out because she wasn't expecting him to be so big (the doctor who delivered my baby was the doctor on call that night in my obgyn group...not my actual doctor).  She was convinced that the scale would say he was be bigger than 8 lb  7 oz.  He's kinda just a solid little guy.

Eventually they took him for his first bath where he became a comatose little limp noodle.  The nurse was cracking up at how much he loved his bath.  Jason took video footage of it.  So cute.  I chilled on the table for quite a bit while the doctor sewed up all the damage.  She worked down there for a long while and then said, "Ok, now I'm going to repair the more minor rip."  UH?  I was thinking what the heck happened down there?  A 4th degree tear is what happened.  Do me a favor.  Don't Google it.  I almost passed out when I did.  Horrible.  And the healing process...horrible.  And going #2...horrible x 5.  We'll leave it at it being the worst tear you could have.  There.  Moving on.

So, there you have it.  The birth story.  I am in the end so thankful for the epidural.  I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have one.  Especially with the 3 hour pushing process at the end and the damage that was done "down stairs."  I felt like because I had the epidural I was able to take in our little boy and the whole process.  Without it...I think I honestly couldn't have done it.

In the future they don't want me going passed 39 weeks.  Especially if my babies get progressively bigger...which is usually the case (though not always of course).

Hope you enjoyed Jack's story.  And that I didn't gross you out too much.  ;)  If you think of us we would love prayer...just in adapting to this new schedule of sleeplessness.  I'm starting to feel it...not going to lie.  Also in my healing.  It's a long road apparently and I'm pretty bad at laying low and resting.  Jason does have to go back to work too...so you know...this could be interesting.  :)

Alright, I'm off to go cuddle my little monkey... :)

And here are a few more post birth pictures for your enjoyment.  I'm exuding beauty and brightness don't you think?!?  haha.

This is what a 20 hr labor with 3 hours of pushing looks like :)

Grandpa Evangelista meets Jack

Grandma Lyons meets Jack

Home with our little man...don't mind the nursing pad.  :)

Jack Thoren Evangelista

Baby Boy has arrived!!!

Jack Thoren Evangelista
Born: Thursday June 13, 2013, 12:07pm
8 lbs, 7 oz
21 inches long

We are completely and totally in love with this little monkey.  It's amazing what a miracle life is.  We are in awe.  We are totally exhausted and trying to get our bearings but wouldn't have it any other way.

I want to try to type up his birth story while it's still fresh in my mind.  So, hopefully I'll get that down sometime soon.  And of course...more pics are to come.  :)


Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes!!!

39 Weeks

39 Weeks

Today is due date #1

The one that was given by the fancy ultrasound doc.
You know, cause the babe has been measuring a little big since my 10 week appt.  Literally.

The ob though has kept to my original due date since it's only a week apart and really...what's in a due date right?

I had my 39 week appt on Friday and everything looks good.  Baby is doing well.  I'm doing surprising well for being so pregnant...not terribly uncomfortable.  I'm dilating and effaced.  I just feel really blessed with this whole pregnancy.  I mean...it's really been some what easy all things considering.  Thank you God!

So, my doctor's office isn't big on the whole "guess the baby weight" thing before it's born...because it's not altogether accurate.  And yet...guess what?  She's slightly worried about his size.  She said that as of now he's looking to be 8-9 lbs.  Gah.  Then she asked the question, "So how big of a baby were you and your husband?"  Try just under 10 lbs...the both of us.  All my brothers...pretty big.  Granted genetics doesn't mean everything buuuuut...if it does...we're screwed.  haha.  Basically, she would love for me to have the baby now...or in the next week.  She's not thrilled about me becoming overdue.  That's good because neither am I. :) I mean, in the end it's our decision but she would like to induce sooner then later.  *Sigh*.  If I can avoid it...I don't want to be induced.  I mean who WANTS to be induced right?  I have my "birth plan" which involves me sucking it up and going drug-free.  I would love to use the labor tub.  Being induced sorta throws that plan out the window.  On the flip side I do not want to try to birth a 10 lb baby only to have him get stuck and need a C-Section (far far worse then that happened when I was born because of my size...I'm aware of what can happen when a small woman tries to birth a big baby haha).  Decisions.  I always told myself that I would in the end be flexible...because it just doesn't always go as planned.  And I'm trying to do that.  I think we're willing to go a week past my due date (and the doc seems good with that too) and then we'll see.  Who knows.

In the end he will come.  One way or another.  I can pray and pray all I want for the labor and birth that I desire and yet...God may not give that to me.  And I just need to be okay with that.  It's the safety and the health of the baby that really matters sooooo...yeah.  It is what it is.

At my last appt. she did some things to "stir the pot" so to speak to get labor going.  I started having contractions for a few hours on Friday and Saturday but they've since gone away.

So, if you think of me...pray for labor!  haha.  I feel like I'm getting close.  My body has given me some "lovely" signs indicating that I'm moving that way.  I just need to start labor...and stay in labor.  :)

Anyways, either way...one week left, two weeks left, naturally started birth, induced birth...it's the home stretch baby and Bring.It.On.
Welp, just over 39 weeks now.  Come on baby boy...we want to meet ya.  :)