Sleep Training (or lack of)--LIVE

I'm sitting here listening to my baby cry.

He's trying to fall asleep for his afternoon nap.

And I feel like I want to cry.

It was a lot easier last night when Jason was here.  He distracted me from the fact that I feel like I am betraying/abandoning my child.  Seriously.  That's how I feel.

I still don't know where I stand on the cry it out/no cry sleep solution.  I've seriously read just about every book/theory.  I feel like I am seriously, psychologically damaging my child by letting him cry it out (and go figure there is evidence that chemical things are happening in their brains at levels that are REALLY high).  And yet here I am trying it.  I don't know what that says about me.  What I do know is that he needs to nap during the day...and he hasn't been.  I know that he needs to fall asleep easier then it's been lately.  He's fine in the middle of the night.  He wakes up to eat (and he's legit hungry) and immediately falls asleep but nap time and the initial put down at night is a battle.  It used to not be.  But this last month things have changed.

Last night was our first time letting him cry. Jack cried for 20 minutes.  It wasn't a "passionate" cry.  He never got too worked up so I didn't go in until the very end.  I put the binky in his mouth and he was out after that.  But right now for his nap...a different story.  He seems like a "strong willed child" already.  He's also incredibly cuddly and affectionate. I went in just now to calm him back down and he just grabbed my hand and looked up at me with this "why are you leaving me" look.  It seems like torture to him.  Yep, I totally broke down and cried.

I feel like either way I do it I'm screwed.  I feel like if I don't let him cry it out then the whole bed time process is prolonged into this 2 hour ordeal.  2 hours that I should be spending with Jason since I hardly am able to connect with him with his work schedule.  If I let him cry it out though I honestly feel like I am ruining my child.  It's probably wrong.  I want him to feel like he can cry and I'll come when he NEEDS me.  But is he at the point already where he can know to cry just to make me come because he WANTS me?  And is that so bad that he wants me?  He's so little still.  4 months old.  But he needs his sleep.  I need him to sleep too.  I need a break in the day.  I'm with Jack a good 12 hours a day usually...sometimes more.  I need a good hour at least to just relax...or even more so get things done like laundry and dishes.  And eventually he will get older and it seems like it will be harder to teach him to fall asleep then rather than now...I think.

So, he just cried for 10 minutes.  I calmed him down, left him, and all it took was 5 minutes and he was completely worked up again.  I went in and he had barfed on himself (I don't know if it was from being worked up or if it was from feeding him prior), he was completely sweaty, and I just broke down and picked him up.  I just laid with him on our bed and cried...he just snuggled into me and stared at me.  He fell asleep almost immediately with that beat down, I've been crying too much, staccato breathing.  He cried for a whole whopping 15 minutes.  Ugh.  How do people let their baby cry for an hour?   Do they not get worked up like Jack?  Are they just stronger then me?

I think I just need to relax and realize that what I do or don't do is not the sole attributor to the way Jack is going to turn out.  I want him to be a well rounded, obedient toddler (do those even exist? haha) and I feel like everyone is telling me that if I don't sleep train him with CIO then he probably won't be.  On the flip side I see the value of sleep.  That babies really need it.  I need to to trust the Lord and know that He has Jack in His hands and that He loves our little baby even more then we do.

All this to say...I have no clue what I'm doing.
And I totally caved at nap time today.
And I'm okay with it.
For now.

Thanks for being there during the nap time trauma today.  Ya'll the best. ;)